People are turned off by the stereotypical preacher. You know, the image of a sweaty, bloated, bellowing actor who stands behind the pulpit “selling salvation” in his heavy southern drawl, preying on the elderly and the weak minded who lavish them with their last bit of money so that they can drive Cadillacs and install jacuzzis in their bedrooms? Rings a bell huh.

While this image is more often than not a caricature promoted by Hollywood and media outlets, is there any truth to this?

While I was growing up my parents were not faithful church attendants by any means, but they did espouse a certain faith, some of which included my mom’s Sunday ritual of putting on make up while watching Kenneth Copeland on TV. If you do not know who this guy is, it’s okay because Christianity in general is almost an underground subculture with it’s own Hollywood stars, and Kenneth Copeland is one of them.

At an early age I was familiar with these superstars mostly through the medium of cable TV. My grandmother, my aunt, and my mom adored these people. As a kid I had a great deal of respect for them mostly because they presented themselves as well…respectable. They preached about right living, loving people, and prospering. They wore suits and ties, and spoke with passion and authority. They delivered emotional messages that could stir up a frenzy in their crowds. Many of them were even talented and could sing and play piano. I never saw them as bad people…what was not to like?

As I grew older I witnessed several scandals break loose regarding Jim Bakkar, former kingpin of PTL (Praise The Lord club) and his hoe who couldn’t keep her mouth shut, as well as Jimmy Swaggart’s fling with a hooker who apparently had quite a hairy ass from what the photos depicted. This put things in a new perspective.

I often heard people’s objection to TV preachers as being “in it for the money”. While this seemed plausable, I often wondered why they would choose such a weird vocation to make money. Why not be an actor? Why not become a CEO of a company? Why not choose an avenue that would not require you to be 24/7 fake? It just seemed retarded to me.

When I was almost out of high school, I began having what I would term “mystical” experiences. Unfortunately for me, the only reference to the supernatural was through the paradigm of Christianity. It was the only religion I was really familiar with, so naturally I assumed that it was Jesus talking to me.

I suppose I started figuring I was something special, so I enrolled in Bible School and later went on into training in missionary work. I travelled extensively throughout Mexico and Central America and ended up living in Guatemala for awhile.

The experience of living “behind the scenes” in the Christian ministry was eye opening to say the least. I was able to see not just the humanity in these Christian superstars, but what many people might refer to as the devil himself.

Being a “virgin” so to speak, I was confused as a naive young man and didn’t know quite how to process the things I saw: adultery, homosexuality, fraud, embezzlement, manipulation, lying, cheating, stealing, competition…pretty much the same thing that goes on anywhere else.

The problem was that these people claimed to be above these things.

While I was in mission school I heard testimony after testimony of missionaries who claimed that God told them to go to a certain place and they only had $8 in their pockets but they obeyed God and went and somehow God miraculously provided for them. Then I got out there in the field and found out really quick that this was 100% certified BULLSHIT.

These missionaries and preachers built their ministries just like a businessman builds a company -clever marketing strategies and a competitive edge. I remember looking at all of this and thinking “Wow, you could actually do this and not have God involved one bit!”

However one thing I did notice were the rookies. Like me, these young guys and gals that were just starting out seemed to have pure motives. They wanted to make a difference in the world. They loved God. They wanted to help people. Now I have to add that no one is selfless. One of the main reasons people get into charity work and other things is that it makes people feel good about themselves and makes them feel like good people. But that’s beside the point.

I was only involved with this type of thing for a couple of years. I really sucked at being a Christian because a) I couldn’t quit sinning and b) I asked too many questions and c) mystical experiences combined with Christian doctrine is a recipe for madness. But over the years I have noticed a progression which reminds me a lot of what happens to many people who join the local law enforcement agency looking to “make a difference”. They start out good people, then they see the utter depravity of the “real world”, then they give up on people and turn against them.

The actual progression of a minister is different but it generally goes like this: A young man feels a passion in his heart for this god or this religion. He throws himself into it. He loves what he is doing and if he is really charismatic he attracts attention. Once he attracts attention he starts attacting MONEY.

Money gets him things he never had before. He builds his ministry and builds his family. However somehow along the way in dealing with people day in and day out he begins to realize something about them. He begins to realize that these religious people are not really much different than anyone else. Just as sinful, just as stubborn.

Since he is a minister, he studies the Bible. He begins to see discrepancies and contradictions in it. At first he disregards this because after all, who is he to question the very Word of God? But eventually he can no longer ignore it. The years go by and that zeal that he once had begins to wear off. You know the emotion and passion that a singer gives off when they really believe what they are singing about? It makes you feel it too.

This begins to fade, but since this is what draws people to his meetings/church he begins to fake it. He has no choice. This is his avenue of income. This is what feeds his family. He may actually become an atheist in the process of all this but he dare tell no one.

He eventually finds himself at a crossroads. Does he continue to lie and fake it and keep providing for his family? Or does he tell the truth and lose everything he’s worked so hard at? Plus what would he do for work? Fill out an application at a retail outlet?

Then there is also the struggle with his own demons. He’s tried so hard to be holy and righteous but finds out human nature wins every time. Maybe he’s a closet homosexual who has spent many nights in prayer asking God to remove this desire for another man’s loins from him. But God never answers.

He has to decide for himself and come to terms with the fact that he has a hold of a mad dog by the ears, and if he lets go it will tear him and his family apart.

Faking it becomes the path of least resistance.

He is unhappy inside but generates that plastic smile that is so familiar to us and where the pentecostal pimp stereotype draws its influence. He realizes that everyone is a sinner including himself and there is no cure. He’s unsure of many things but one thing is for certain…he can make some damn good money.

He can travel around to large churches and get speaking engagements where he may collect over $10,000 per night. He can sell his 12 part tape series. He can sell his books and collect royalties. He can live NICE. He has a nice house that could be on MTV Cribs, he drives a couple of nice cars, he can buy his wife anything she wants and he can send his kids to college. All he has to do is keep acting.

There are those ministers that simply cannot live with themselves and drop out because they can’t take the pressure, but they are the exception to the rule. Pimpin aint easy but most of them stay in it until they die.

I could write a whole book on the Christian subculture and the behind the scenes tragedies that happen (and who knows I just might do that), but the point is that these folks generally do not start out as charlatans and thieves. There may be some, but I really haven’t seen any.

And there are some preachers who have decided that the whole thing is fake but somehow find ways to help people as best they can using the tool of Christianity. You can tell these guys by how little they talk about the subject of hell, and how most of their sermons could just as easily be preached by Tony Robbins. They write self-help type books and throw a couple of scriptures in here and there for some Christian seasoning to make it palatable to the fearful Christian who may fear he is being deceived by a New Age guru.

Christianity is one of a couple of religions that downright opposes human nature. The irony of it all is that the leaders of this religion know the truth yet keep the flame of pretense burning hot and continue to propogate this oppressive device that keeps the minds of men bound up while they profit off of it.

If Jesus was actually a real person I think he saw the same thing when he said to the ministers of his day in Matthew 23:27, “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.”

In the shadows,

~TM

While there is no real way to let go of God, as I define God, which has before been described as the Ground of Being or the Tao, there must be a letting go of the “image” of God. Since the Western God cannot be seen, touched, or felt, he can only be imagined. Now the word imagine comes from the word “image”. To imagine is to form an image in the mind. The imagination is the faculty of the mind which forms and manipulates images.

When we speak of God being an entity or a person, any attempt to describe this person comes from the realm of the imagination, since God cannot be observed with the five senses. Even if God were a real separate entity with his or her own personality, since this personality cannot be observed directly, any attempt at ascribing attributes comes from a mental image.

In a sense, the imagination serves a creative purpose when it comes to certain phenomena. Certain things even in the physical world cannot be directly seen, and we have assigned attributes and characteristics based on the effects or causes that these things have. You cannot “see” the force of gravity, only the effects thereof. Gravity is a force that is still not completely understood, but we  can still perform experiments with it. You let go of an object, and it falls to the ground. That is gravity being observed.

We don’t, however, describe this force of gravity as an anthropomorphic being with a personality. Therefore we do not build shrines and altars to the force of gravity and paint pictures of it or give tithes to it. However we do recognize it as a genuine phenomenon and we use it to our benefit. We develop theories around it and by understanding more about it we are able to construct airplanes.

Any religion that views God as a being with a personality is at a disadvantage because it is purely subjective. Before men understood the laws of nature, God was a convenient superstition that aided in coping with the material world. The attributes of this God would hold general descriptions such as being the cause of crops growing in abundance, rain falling, thunder, war, and death. However in assuming that these things are caused by a “person”, the imagination takes it a step further and begins to assign characteristics in relation to how we observe our fellow human beings and begins to take on other manlike characteristics such as jealousy and anger, or love and compassion. Therefore God would be a different person based on individual imagination.

In the Torah, or Old Testament, the practitioner is commanded not to make any “graven images” of God. What is missed from this however is the fact that the faculties of the imagination do just that! An image of this God is actually carved out in the mind of the adherent  in order to relate to this personality. Since the characteristics of this God are limited to what is observed causally, the mind fills in the blanks.

Any theist has his own “personal Jesus” so to speak. It is a coping mechanism in the psyche that aids in understanding the world, but goes a step further. In reality, an attempt to understand God as an actual being is an attempt to control God. If you are a person who believes God to be a person who punishes you for wrong doing, you avoid immorality in order to stop the punishment. If you are a person who believes this God to be benevolent and someone who rewards right actions, then you perform certain deeds and actions in order to gain a certain reward.

Thus the idea of God becomes a type of parent-ruler, and the adherent of the religion is the child-subject. This idea is of course memetic in its basic structure and binds cultures and societies together in clusters, all the while maintaining an individualistic flavor as we all have our own personal experiences as we are all the centers of our own universes. The result is that we end up clinging to this imaginary figure and become slaves to our own imaginations.

The Buddha advised that clinging is the cause of suffering, and clinging to a god is no different. An image of God is a source of comfort and stability and a coping mechanism, albeit a faulty one. What would we think of the 40 year old man who still lives with his mother? There are those in society who still have a psychic umbilical cord which is in essence an emotional tie to a parent that needs to be cut.

The bird that never leaves the nest will never fly and be free.

A major way to obtain mental freedom is by LETTING GO OF GOD. This idea is blasphemous to most, and the fact that it is a sacrilege demonstrates the point that clinging to a god is based on fear. The opposite of fear is faith, therefore letting go of God is actually an act of faith. Clinging to a god because you are afraid of what would happen if you let go is an act of fear.

If God actually were a separate entity, and man is created in the image of this entity, then man should take on the same traits. God, as defined by the theist, is independent and has no master. He bows to no one, He prays to no one. Therefore it could be concluded that even the theist is lacking the characteristics of his God.

Now to balance this idea out, I must interject that I am not an atheist in the sense that we understand that general term. I do not view God as an anthropomorphic being. My idea of God is more along the lines of the balancing factor in nature, yet beyond that. I am not so deceived as to believe that all truth is obtained by mere objective observance. Being a right brained dominated individual, I understand that intuition can also be a valued faculty. Intuition has long been something that is overlooked by skeptics.

Science cannot yet explain intuition. It cannot explain how a mother can be miles away from a child yet somehow “know” that child is in danger. It cannot explain certain business decisions that are based solely on a “gut feeling”. This faculty cannot be experimented with in a controlled environment. Therefore many skeptics who cling to the “religion of atheism” flat out deny this aspect of our experience.

Many myths and stories that have been passed down from generation to generation have aided in our understanding of truth, as long as they are understood to be myths. Most people equate the word myth with the word lie, but this is an incorrect understanding of the term. A myth is a creative parable that aids in grasping certain truths that offer a different way of arriving at a truth.

Based on intuition, many people feel that there is something beyond our scope of experience in a material world, and I tend to agree with this. As someone who has let go of God, or the idea of God as a being confined to certain attributes, my mind has been liberated and I am able to think and reason at a more mature level, but I am not so blind as to disregard the intuitive factor. As someone who searched for God, I can bare witness to the fact that the road to God leads right back to me. This is why I lean more towards Eastern philosophy as a better understanding of this thing we call God, and have realized this God to be the thing that we actually are, yet beyond.

In the shadows,

~TM

Mindfulness is probably one of the most important things you can develop in your evolution as a human being. I use the term being loosely due to the fact that only the core part of us, the “atman” or “true self” is the only part of us that is in a state of “being”. The rest of us,  the part of us that participates in the objective world is in a state of “becoming”.

MOST PEOPLE GO THROUGH LIFE ON AUTO PILOT.

Most people allow the current of society to drag them along. They never ask questions, they are easily manipulated by the government, by the media, and by religion. They do not observe. They do not analyze. They are not MINDFUL.

Mindfulness can be described as “awareness”. Awareness begins first with being aware of you; aware of your thought processes and emotions. Once you begin to be aware of your own subtleties you can become aware of subtleties around you.

Mindfulness can be developed many ways and through various meditation techniques. Both Zazen and Vipassana are common and I have practiced both. Vipassana is a Pali word which can be translated as “insight”, or “clear seeing”. This type of seeing is in reference to direct perception and the development of experiential knowledge as opposed to knowledge gained from external sources. It is knowledge that no one can teach you. It ties in with the concept of Zen.

In meditation you are the observer. Some people call the part of you that observes the Observing Ego, which is a term I prefer not to use. As you sit down to meditate, or do walking meditation your brain is in the beta state. You observe all kinds of chatter going on. Past memories, futuristic anticipation, voices, music, images, feelings—complete chaos.

As the observer you remain neutral to this phenomenon. As your body relaxes, and you are focused on your breath, or whatever object of meditation you use, your brain then enters the alpha state. You begin to see more vividly. Thoughts are not as cluttered. You can observe thoughts one at a time, judging nothing. It is important not to judge your thoughts, whether positive or negative. In doing this you detach yourself from your thoughts.

YOU BEGIN TO SEE THAT YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS.

Going deeper your brain enters the theta state. This is when you are in deep meditation. This is where you develop insight. Many times though this type of meditation suppressed emotions arise. Sometimes they can be very troubling. This is an important part that teaches an amazing skill. When any troubling emotion arises, mindfulness becomes your refuge. As the storm of emotion rages about, you remain calm as the storm passes over. And it will pass. EVERYTHING is impermanent.

You begin to learn that thoughts and emotions come and go. Emotions are extremely powerful, but they will pass over you if you do not give them attention, and you learn how to detach. Chi follows Yi (energy flows where attention goes). The more attention you give a thought or a feeling, the more powerful it becomes. So you begin to harness your emotions, rather than letting them control you.

It is important to identify your thoughts and emotions as you observe them and let them go. When the emotion of worry manifests, you simply say to yourself “worry”, just like if you were observing and taking notes. When a good feeling arises, you may just say to yourself “happy”. In this way you are learning to discern one emotion from the other.

Once you develop a sensitivity to subtleties, you notice them in other people as well. You can “see” emotional energy coming from people, as well as see the emotion that is produced in you. This way you learn to RESPOND  to people rather than REACT. You may even develop a sensitivity to deeper subtleties, such as other people’s thoughts and true intentions. You are able to see past their masks.

MOST PEOPLE ARE SLAVES TO THEIR OWN EMOTIONS.

Emotions are chemical reactions produced in the body and are as powerful as any drug out there. Most people allow their own emotions to override their common sense. When someone is drunk, or high off of their own emotions they are irrational. It is pointless to argue with someone who’s veins are coursing with their own mind-bending chemicals. They will not understand logic, and they don’t want to.

Most people are addicted to their own emotions. People who get a rush off of being angry will purposefully push the buttons of other people in order to put themselves in a situation that triggers anger. They love anger. Others who have thrill seeking personalities are addicted to adrenaline and this is why they are involved in extreme sports, or even gambling. The rush is an escape from their mundane lives just like heroine is an escape.

WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY OF ADDICTS.

Mindfulness is a skill that allows us to live outside of societal and cultural currents. We are able to escape the slavery that the majority are caught up in. We develop prajna, or inner wisdom and intuition. We avoid being controlled by external forces and begin to use our own wisdom as our point of reference.

The entire world is controlled for the most part by what occultists refer to as Lesser Magic. Lesser Magic is a form of manipulation that is wrought by slight of hand so to speak. It is using natural abilities and psychological tactics to manipulate other humans. The politician and the preacher are master magicians who know all too well how to manipulate the masses through propaganda and bullshit. World leaders throw distractions out to divert attention as they push their agenda and tighten the noose around the slaves. They don’t even notice until it is too late. Watch what a politician does, not what he says.

Freedom from control begins with the self. If you cannot control and recognize your own self-enslavement, how will you recognize it in when it is coming from an external source? Once you are free from your own attachments, once you are free from your own BODY, then you are truly free, and no one can master you.

In the shadows,

~TM

If you are familiar at all with Reggae music then you have heard of the term “I and I’ used a lot. BTW if the only Reggae music you have ever heard is Sean Paul or Bob Marley, then please learn how to spell Reggae. It’s not Raggay, or Reggie, or Ragae. That shit really pisses me off.
One of my favorite all time songs is by the old school Rasta/Punk band Bad Brains called “I Against I”. There’s a part in the song where he actually sings something that sounds like a hook that I think should have been the hook, but the song has no hook. Bad Brains were too punk to put a hook in that song.

The term I and I is used quite frequently by the 12 Tribes of Israel Rastafarians of which Bob Marley was a member. Instead of saying “me” or “myself” they will say I and I, or INI for short. Unless you are a real Reggae fan this term floats right by you when you are listening to Uncle Bob and passing the bong.

I and I is a mystical term, and if you are a mystic then you will understand this once you know the meaning.

I and I is an expression of Oneness. There is the subjective I, then there is the corporate I. There is the I that is me, then there is the I that is Jah (God). And to the mystic, God is everywhere, and in everything. And a true Rastafarian is a true mystic.

Because I have a heavy Reggae influence in my music, a lot of people expect me to have dreads and smoke herb and what not, and dig into Rastafari, and they are surprised to find out  I’m baldheaded and my shiny head blings like BAM! when I walk into a room. My head is staggering.

The reason why I think the term I and I is so genius is that it captures reality on two levels. I experience life as an individual and have my own experience, yet there is another part of me that is at a deeper level which is my subconscious; and this subconsious is tied to the corporate consciousness that exists in all things. You might call this consciousness God, the Tao, the Dharmakaya, Infinite Intelligence, it doesn’t matter. To me it’s all one in the same.

There is the I that is the microcosm, and the I that is the macrocosm. It is me as a person, yet me as everything else. I am seperate, yet I am one. Smoke a bowl if you don’t understand.
You think I’m joking? While I’m not really an herbalist so to speak, as I feel it clouds my meditation, I can tell you that drugs remove blockages that inhibit our view of reality. Our minds only allow so much information in at a time. Drugs like Marijuana, Peyote, Mushrooms, and LSD remove these inhibitors and allow more information in as to what is really going on.

This is why Shamans throughout the ages have always used drugs when they journey into the “spirit world” to retrieve a fragmented soul, or to find healing for someone. They would use the term spirit world, I would use the term Corporate Consciousness, which science is just now beginning to understand. Personally I don’t think the use of drugs is necessary as these levels of consciousness and understanding can be attained through various methods of meditation, but to each his own. At least I don’t waist my money on Taco Bell and Cheetos. Wait, yes I do.

This is a concept and a reality that is the universal structure of all things. Your body is made up of single cells. Yet all these cells united together make up your body. You have the I that your cell claims, and the I that your body claims. One in the same, yet seperate.

To break it down even further, you have your atoms that make up each cell, and you have sub atomic particles that make up atoms. Sub atomic particles manifest atoms, atoms clump together and manifest cells, cells bind together and manifest you, you bind together with others and form societies, societies nations, nations the world, the worlds galaxies, and galaxies universe(s).

In the left-out-of-the-New Testament-on-purpose gnostic Gospel of Thomas, brought to the attention of movie goers many years ago in the movie Stigmata, Jesus was quoted as saying “Behold the Kingdom of God is within you, and it is without you”. One of the awesome truths in the Gospel of Thomas is that by knowing yourself, you will know the Universe. Jesus taught this and many other mind blowing things after he got high. At least that’s what the article in High Times magazine said that he did. And they know, cuz they were fuckin THERE, okay?

Now just to be clear I don’t subscribe to Rasta Theology. A good number of Twelve Tribes Rastas remind me of Christians with blunts in their mouths. Then they have the whole apocalyptic “one day judgement is coming” shtick. Quit trying to get “God” to fight your battles for you. Quit cryin and whining about shit and do something. Where has chanting down Babylon got you? Like any other religion, Rastafari has it’s weird points of view; but a true mystic transcends the dogma and the boundaries of his or her religion. A true Rastafarian mystic can be defined as one who has developed gnosis and has come to the conclusion that all mystics come to: MAN IS GOD.

Religion is many times like a vehicle. It gets you somewhere. Some vehicles suck and are crappy. Some are dependable. Personally it’s not for me. Because I’ve found that woven into the fabric of every religion is a string of truth.

I and I is a brilliant one.

In the shadows,

~TM

When I could I would just retreat to the woods. I love being outdoors. I used to live out in the country for a couple of years when I was younger and sometimes used to spend 12 hours or more out in the woods climbing trees, playing in the creek, catching lizards and snakes, and exploring.

During my lunch hour where I used to work I would walk across the street where there was a small creek and just meditate and escape the “machine”. I feel it’s important that we are in tune with Nature; but just what is Nature?

I hear many people say that marijuana and shrooms are “natural” drugs while LSD and Extacy are “unnatural” because these synthetic drugs are made in a laboratory while marijuana grows freely in the field. There has also been a big movement for awhile on natural cures, homeopathic medicine, and natural foods.

While there has definitely been a separation between natural and synthetic, there doesn’t have to be. This type of thinking comes from the world view that humans are not a part of the natural world around us. Therefore any kind of invention that humans come up with that is not “organic” is termed “unnatural”.

There is a mindset that most people have that believes Nature to be all loving and caring and peaceful, with beautiful sunsets, snow capped mountains, tranquil beaches…and then humans came along and completely fucked it all up. This type of thinking is ignorant.

Where did people come from? We came from the same place plants and trees and insects and other mammals come from. WE CAME FROM NATURE. Where did all of the synthetic materials come from that we use to make all these “unnatural” drugs, cars that emit carbon monoxide, and nuclear weapons? Earth, dumbass. Hell, even if we got these things from outer space, is space “unnatural”?

NOTHING THAT WE SEE AROUND US IS UNNATURAL.

There is also the mindset that almost sees human beings as a virus or a disease that’s just going around, fucking up the planet. And one day if we are not careful we are just gonna cause this whole planet to explode. Yeah right. You know nothing about Nature.  There is more to Nature than just this Newtonian machine. Nature is a Being. And we are a part of this Being. We are a manifestation of this Being. We are this Being.

Even if we were on the verge of causing a global catastrophe more than likely what would happen is a meteor would hit the earth and wipe out 2/3 of the population, or some kind of disease would spread that would kill half of the world, but we would definitely not be the ones who decide when the world ends. What arrogance!

How does this tie into meditation? One of the ways I learned to meditate that is very beneficial is to not just concentrate on the breath but allowing everything around me to become my focus. This is because my own breath is not any different from anything around me. It is all One Thing.

I used to not like any noise or distraction, but now the more noise the better. I listen to sounds around me like I would listen to music in my headphones. Now the noisy traffic outside doesn’t bother me. It’s part of the “music”. The music would be the traffic, the air conditioner turning on and off, the refrigerator, the ice maker, the phone, the birds outside my balcony, and any other noise. All of these noises are “natural”, just like my own breath.

One thing that you can do if you live in an urban area, is find a place where you can hear both city noise and just general outside noise. Cars going by, people talking, birds chirping, water flowing, etc. Try to find a place where you can relax and just sit. If there is litter around, that’s okay too.

Just sit and practice wu wei (non doing).  Sit for the sake of sitting. Listen to your breathing as it rises and falls. Listen to the birds, listen to the traffic, listen to the people, listen to the wind, and allow these noises to harmonize. Realize the comedy and tragedy of life. Creation and destruction. You will begin to see how poetic urban life is and how it is no different than these other “natural” things. All is One, all is AUM.

In the shadows,

~TM

What is it about darkness that invokes fear in people? Darkness has been fixed as a subconscious element in men that contrives many negative emotions, the major one being the emotion of FEAR. Darkness symbolizes death, decay, mystery, and uncharted territory.

As children many of us were afraid of the dark. Many of us slept with nightlights on, or even a stuffed animal clutched in our little hands. We would peer into the darkness of the closet if the door was left open, imagining all kinds of hideous monstrosities lurking among the hanging clothes. Many times our eyes would fool us and the pile of laundry at the foot of the bed would take the form of an old man crouching, or some creepy shit like that.

Even as young adults, we may have had some remnant of childhood fears as we huddled around a campfire and stared into the blackness of the forest, imagining wild animals creeping in the through the darkness of the wilderness. Or even as grown adults walking through an unlit parking lot at night, looking over our shoulder to make sure we are not being preyed upon.

All things dark seem to relate to horror and gore, creepy castles and ghosts. even in those stupid ghost hunting reality shows they turn the lights off as an added effect of terror and creepiness. The people interviewed many times relay stories of seeing a ghost in the afternoon, but noooo….the ghost hunters go after them at night. Then they run and bounce the camera around like the Blare Witch Project and trip over shit like dumb asses.

Yet darkness is a major aspect of life. We have much more darkness than we actually have light. We have seasons of summer and spring, yet fall and winter bring dark days.  Darkness is something to be accepted and appreciated, not denied.

It is the explorer and the pioneer who ventures into darkness. It is the fearful and the stagnant who stay huddled by the campfire. It is the spirit of progress that drives men to venture into the darkness of the ocean depths, and the pitch black caves. It is the courageous individual who says I AM AFRAID, BUT I WILL GO.

Then once the brave hearted has stepped into this realm of the unknown, a curious thing happens. The eyes become accustomed to this darkness, and the darkness begins to fade away. Darkness then becomes comfortable and familiar. Then it is realized that his initial fear was based only on an illusion created by his own mind.

The darkness and the light compliment one another and overlap. Yin and Yang work in harmony. Yin energy still has a Yang element to it, and Yang energy still has Yin in it. Once Yin is explored to its darkest form, Yang is waiting on the other side.  The path of light may become dark in some cases, and the path of darkness may become light. Enlightenment is gained either way. There is the dark side of the mountain, and the bright side. Both travelers eventually wind up at the same mountaintop.

This is explored to the extreme by the Aghori yogis of India. These practitioners truly embody the term Left Hand Path. These are yogis who find enlightenment by transcending the duality of the dark/light concept. These are men who appear nuts to the outsider but have elevated themselves to eternal wisdom by embracing all things abhorrent. They sleep with dead bodies, they eat rotten meat, they drink urine as a sacrament and smear the ashes of the dead on their face and bodies. Its not something I would do, but hey, whatever works for you I say go for it.

While that may be terribly extreme, the methodology is the same principle: Embracing that which you fear.

When we embrace that which we fear, many times that thing which we have feared embraces us back. The boogieman is no longer an enemy, but a protector; or simply non existent. The demons become guests, the ghosts become friends whom we tip our glass of wine to, and the devil becomes the actor who steps off stage and out of character and has a beer with you.

What will you do with your life when there is nothing left to fear? What COULD you do with your life? When you learn to see past the obvious, and the illusions vanish, and you realize that the cage you were in was made of paper, what will you do?

Freedom is a road seldom traveled by the multitude.

In the shadows,


~TM

Clinical Depression is a condition that affects an estimated 19 million Americans. A lot of people don’t really understand what Clinical Depression is, and feel like everyone who is depressed needs to just snap out of it and quit being a bitch. Many adult males go undiagnosed due to the stigma that is attached to it.

Make no mistake about it, it is a deadly condition that most of the time gets worse if untreated, sometimes resulting in death. Folks blowing their brains out, jumping off of shit, hanging themselves in the closet, opening up a vein or two, etc. Fortunately in recent times there is more information about this than there was in previous times. I was surprised when I saw an episode of the Sopranos when Tony’s son A.J. had developed depression. God I miss the Sopranos.

Clinical Depression is more than just feeling down because somebody dumped you, or someone killed your cat. Most of the time these things don’t cause depression even though these things could trigger depression. Depression starts when you get down and you stay down, to the point where the chemistry of your brain starts to change.

DEPRESSION SYMPTOMS INCLUDE:

*Depressed mood (Obvious)

*Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities (All your favorite hobbies are shitty now)

*Change in appetite or weight (You start to look either like Precious, or Iggy Pop)

*Change in sleeping patterns (You sleep like a pot head but are still tired)

*Speaking and/or moving with unusual speed or slowness (You talk like Paul Wall)

*Decrease in sexual drive (Your partner hates this one the most)

*Fatigue or loss of energy (Energy drinks won’t help, trust me)

*Feelings of worthlessness, self-reproach or guilt (Religion has a hand in this one)

*Diminished ability to think or concentrate, slowed thinking or indecisiveness

*Thoughts of death, suicide, or wishes to be dead (You think like a Goth but don’t look like one)

I use to struggle with depression a lot. Once got down to 175lbs when I’m normally a husky 225-250lbs. Best weight loss program ever. The thing that triggered it to begin with was a bunch of shit happening all at the same time. When it rains, it pours.

Usually depression starts out like this: Some bad shit happens, you have no coping skills, and then you’re screwed; but it all begins with your thinking and the way you view the world. Negative thoughts start to flow, and this starts to affect your body’s chemistry. Your body’s chemistry changes, causing you to think more negatively. More negative thoughts continue to change your body chemistry, thus affecting your thinking even more, which causes your brain chemistry to change even more, which causes your mind state to get worse, and it becomes a DOWNWARD SPIRAL.

Depression is a Yin energy. This is why more women suffer from depression than men. Unfortunately Nature has equipped each one of us with a self destruct button. When you are not moving forward, you are moving backward. A lot of people who believe in living “in harmony with Nature” fail to realize that Nature is trying to kill you. Nature is also trying to help you and heal you as well, but because Nature is schizophrenic it can go either way.

Nature has equipped us with healing foods and herbs, as well as people who have created certain medications. Most of the time if you have a severe chemical imbalance, the only way it can be corrected is through anti-depressants. There is nothing wrong with this. Medication is there to correct your chemical imbalance while you develop coping skills and get your mind right.

Unfortunately anti-depressants have shitty side effects that cause a lot of people to get off of them before they should. Side effects include drowsiness, loss of sex drive, blurred vision, difficulty having an orgasm, difficulty peeing, sweating, muscle cramps, loss of motivation, and a whole gang of other unpleasant activities in your body. That’s why meds are a band-aid and not a solution.

Hopefully one day an anti-depressant will come out that doesn’t have these kinds of side effects. Until then, you are going to have to put up with these things until you can learn coping skills from a trained therapist or educating yourself.

Many times therapists will have you go back into your childhood and try to find out what all happened to determine what is wrong with you and why you have depression and all your friends don’t. I think this is a rather shallow approach. Why we are the way we are is determined by many factors and not just the fact that you didn’t get enough hugs as a kid.

Its like if you have a jar of homemade salsa. It took more than just peppers to make that salsa. It took a lot of different kinds of ingredients to make it taste the way it does. The alchemy of the different elements of life is what made you YOU, and caused you to be how you are. What causes one person to retreat into depression may cause someone else to go postal and fuck everyone’s shit up. We are all unique and respond different to different stimuli.

Because depression is an imbalance of Yin, the way out is Yang. Yang energy must be cultivated in order to balance out Yin. It’s actually not that complicated, but it does take time to cultivate Yang just as you would cultivate a garden.

Now I’m not going to get into Feng Shui here, although a clean house is great for your mind, but more importantly there are some basic things that can help anyone climb out of their personal hell hole.

The biggest things that you can do to get out of depression are diet and exercise. Your body is being zapped of energy so you need to feed it. Eat lots of fruits and vegetables. Eat lots of bananas. When you are depressed your body is in self destruct mode, so your own body either craves shit that is bad for it, or it doesn’t crave anything at all. So even though you might want chips and soda or nothing at all, it’s important that you make yourself eat things that will nourish your body.

Now when I say make yourself do something, I realize that this is difficult when you are depressed. This is because your will power is extremely low. But getting out of depression many times is like shaking yourself out of paralysis. Most people can’t relate to genuine paralysis, but a lot of people have experienced sleep paralysis. This is when your mind has become alert but your body is still asleep. You try and wake up but it’s just not happnin. So you begin to move your finger, pretty soon you can move your hand, then your arm, etc.

Your own will can be exercised no matter how powerless you feel. You start out with what you can do, and pretty soon you can do more. When it comes to exercise, you may start out with just a walk around the block. Pretty soon you will find that you can walk 3 miles.

What can get you free of depression is the opposite of what got you into it. You want to feed your body good things and get exercise as this will start changing your body’s chemistry. Your body produces better pharmaceuticals than the local drugstore. Endorphin is a pain killer that is produced by your body that is three times more powerful than Morphine.

What you want to do is to get your body producing good drugs like seratonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. Natural anti-depressants. Fruits and vegetables and certain meats are filled with vitamins and amino acids that will help your body produce the good stuff. Let your food be your medicine and your medicine be your food.

Exercise is the key to getting your body to produce endorphines. Exercise also cultivates Yang energy and has been proven to help increase self esteem, reduce stress and anxiety, improve your sleep, and promote feelings of well being. Many people have gotten out of depression simply by joining an aerobics class. If you can’t do that, then you can always buy a video and work out at home. That way no one will laugh at your ass as you struggle, and you can pause the video and get water as often as you want. (You probably look better than the aerobics instructor anyways. Most of them are flat chested, have leathery skin, and have bones poking through their chest. UGH. No thanks.)

Lastly, you need to handle your thinking. You might do this through therapy, or just reading positive material. Thoughts are a major part of how people get depressed and a big part of getting out of it. If you are a part of a religion that beats you down and tells you what a sinner you are, you need to find a new religion. If you believe in God and your idea of God is Mr. Grand Omnipotent Potentate of the Universe who looks down on you with disappointment, then your ideas about God are contributing to your depression. Most people’s idea of God is an entity who has the personality of an asshole, or some powerless pussy who loves everyone but can’t help anyone.

Meditation is also a great help. There are many types of meditation and one method does not fit everyone. Meditation will help balance your energy and will help keep you out of depression once you are out of it—and you will get out of it. It creates the energy of mindfulness so that you are aware of your own feelings and thoughts so that they don’t sneak up on you. When you are starting to feel down or have negative thoughts you can catch them before they start to dominate your life. You can steer your mind and body in another direction while its easy.

Eat right, exercise, read positive things, watch movies that make you laugh, hang out with your friends, have a dream, hold on to hope, and realize you are not alone and that this is just an experience that you will recover from, and once the experience is over you will appreciate life much more than you ever did before.

In the shadows,

~TM

The question of God in our Western mindset seems to evoke a response in two different camps: those who believe in God, and those who do not. To those who believe in God, God is almost like a “superperson”. God is a being like us, only way bigger, way smarter, and has superpowers. God is a person who made everything and stands apart from his creation and watches it, and for the most part doesn’t like what he sees.

I was on every type of medication out there: Paxil, Zoloft, Lexapro, Xanax, Klonopin, etc. I had tried every thing you could think of to fix myself. I hated anxiety and many times it took me through horrible bouts of depression. Hear voices? Heard ‘em. Feel bugs on you? Felt ‘em. Thought about offing yourself? Considered it. Ever ran through Wal-Mart naked? Well you’re on your own on that one =).

I had went through five therapists and none of them seemed to help. Only you know how you feel…no one else can get inside your head. (And trust me, you don’t want in mine).

Once you’ve been to a couple of therapists you begin to wonder who’s more fucked up anyway, you or them….

I had prayed to God so much that my faith in God finally came to an end. It seemed like the more I prayed the further away God seemed because that dude just wouldn’t answer. I was brought up in a Christian school and my mindset at the time just would not allow me to explore any other alternatives.

I heard the Dalai Lama use an allegory. He said suppose you lost your keys, and you were convinced that you lost them in one room of your house. So you keep looking for your keys in this particular room because you are convinced this is the only room they could be in. Meanwhile your keys are setting in the kitchen where you left them; but you will never find them because you are convinced they are in the room you are looking in. That was me.

The more I looked for the answer in God, the further away God became to me. This lead me on a search for truth. I figured I had nothing else to lose because I was probably going to hell anyway for not having faith LOL.

All my life I was raised to believe that Christians have the truth and there is no truth outside the Bible. All other religions were of the devil. The truth was only to be found in the “Christian room”. After seriously studying the Bible and watching it fall apart, I became an atheist.

Any belief system that cannot stand up to scrutiny is not worth believing. Unfortunately Christianity in my experience looks down on you if you question it. Why is that? Anyways it was scary at first. It was scary feeling that there was no higher power, no one to call on, no one who was watching out for us. We were all alone on this planet. All alone in this universe. But as I began to let go of God, my anxiety actually lessened. Probably because there was no sense of someone judging me anymore, no “all seeing eye”, no hell, no sin, and I believe it also gave me a personal sense of responsibility and put certain things under my control that seemed out of control before.

Another unexpected thing happened as my paradigm shifted. One day it felt like I stepped into this world for the first time. It was like being on a new planet. Everything was wonderful. The process of natural selection became something incredibly amazing to me. Most atheists go through these same stages I’ve read.

At the same time, I became somewhat nihilistic. There was really no meaning to life. We are born, we eat, sleep, shit, have kids, go to work, die. An endless cycle. My life was no more important than a fungus growing on a tree. I guess I figured I could drink as much as I wanted and who cared if it fucked up my liver? Gotta go someway, might as well go having fun.

I had already began to practice meditation as a technique to control my anxiety. I figured if I could control my mind, I could control my feelings, and eliminate anxiety altogether. I had no intention of becoming “enlightened” or having anything to do with religion.

Meditation actually began to help me, and not just with anxiety. I began to see myself in a new way. Rather than react to certain situations and people I began to respond. I would notice emotions in others and notice them in myself. Sometimes it seemed almost “psychic”. So I was like oh what the hell. I began to explore new meditation techniques and even explored things like astral travel, remote viewing, and telepathy. Pretty nifty stuff.

In studying meditation, it’s pretty much impossible to not be influenced by Eastern thought. I liked Buddhism because it was an atheistic belief system and that was right up my alley. I couldn’t really become a Buddhist though because I was too sick of religion and dogma. I didn’t want to be boxed in after being free.I did however enjoy reading books by Alan Watts, Thich Nhat Hanh (uh that’s pronounced Tik Not Hon), Lao Tzu, and Osho (who looks like he is out of his fuckin mind–do a YouTube search on him). Their writings really helped me and I just seemed to “get it”.

I began to enjoy having a clear mind. So much so that being fucked up on brandy wasn’t as fun anymore. When you have had a war in your head for many years, peace and quiet is great. I still drink socially, and it’s still fun to be fucked up once in awhile, but not every night, no thanks.Although I’m not a Buddhist, and don’t want to be, I see Buddhism as more of a therapy than anything. I suppose most religions are really just coping mechanisms we invented to help us deal with a dangerous world. Some help, some are just shitty at it.

I really don’t know when I stopped dealing with anxiety. There was never a day when it just stopped. I suppose it was something I just grew out of. I learned to stop fighting it though. I started looking at anxiety as my teacher. Something that came to me to better me. I didn’t look at it as an enemy, but I didn’t look at it as my master either. I looked at it as a friend, and I embraced it. The word embrace is kinda gay sounding, but I don’t know what else to call it.Anxiety is made up of conflict. Horrible thoughts and feelings going one way, your will fighting against it going the opposite. This creates tremendous energy that grows and grows until you go into a full blown panic attack and pass the fuck out or you end up in an emergency room pumped full of Valium.

Take away the conflict, and you take away the energy. The trick however, is not to focus on getting rid of anxiety. Chi follows Yi (energy flows where attention goes). You give this thing more energy by dwelling on it and anticipating it. My focus was on meditation. I took my focus off of anxiety. When anxiety came, I embraced it. Sometimes it disappeared, sometimes it kicked my ass. But mostly I just let it be. Sometimes it’s better to just observe the emotion in a mindful way until it disappears, and sometimes it’s better just to go with it and let yourself freak the fuck out. Just don’t fight it.One thing Buddhism teaches is the impermanent nature of everything. Nothing lasts. Practicing meditation, or mindfulness, teaches you this. Emotions rise and fall. They run out of energy eventually and this applies to anxiety. Anxiety will rise, and it will fall. This appears, that becomes.

Once you begin to see things this way, anxiety somehow loses its hold on you because it has nothing to hold on to. You become like water. It grabs at you, but cannot grip you. I can’t really say what has helped me will help you anymore than one pair of prescription glasses will fix everyone’s vision problem who puts those glasses on. You have to find what helps you, but I think the overall wisdom will be the same.

In the shadows,

~TM

“Anybody can enter the Buddha’s world: so few can step into the devil’s.”

– Ikkyu Sojun

The devil has been given a bad name. Starting with the Garden of Eden mythos, the devil has been portrayed as the tempter; the one who tricked Adam and Eve into eating the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Notice it’s not the “Tree of Evil”.

It was a tree that gave them knowledge. A curious thing about this myth is that without this knowledge, Adam and Eve could not distinguish between good or evil. They were amoral. They were just like the beasts of the field in this respect. Which means they did not have the ability to make their own judgements. They could commit any heinous act, and it would be comparable to a child committing an atrocity, then going back to the sandbox to play, not realizing any hurt has been done.

In the same token, they could commit incredible acts of kindness and altruism, yet never feel any need to be praised for it. Without this knowledge there would never be religion. It was shortly after this act that man experienced guilt, and began to call on God by sacrificing animals.

The strange thing about this story is that it never explicitly says that the serpent was the devil. The serpent in fact, was a symbol. Oddly enough, it was a symbol that also stood for healing. After the children of Israel disobeyed their tribal diety, the diety sent “fiery serpents” that bit those children, err uh, adults, and caused them to keel over and drop dead. After this God commanded Moses to make a serpent of brass, and put it on a pole, and whoever looked at the serpent on the pole would be healed. Yeah that’s right, HEALED.

It becomes even more strange when in St. John’s gospel, Jesus said to his crew, “As Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, so must I be lifted up; and if I be lifted up, I will draw all men unto me”. A weird thing for the good guy of the story to compare himself with a serpent.

We know that in the Garden of Eden story, God cursed the serpent and told him that for tricking Adam and Eve, he would crawl on his belly all the days of his life. I’m guessing he started out as a talking dinosaur, then turned into a snake? Anyways we read later in the Book of Job, how Satan presented himself among the angels of God. What? Satan in heaven? Yup. God asked him what he had been up too. His reply was “WALKING back and forth across the earth”. So we see two things:

1) He was WALKING, not crawling,

2) The earth back in those days was FLAT, otherwise he would have been walking “around it”, rather than “back and forth across it”.

The word Satan comes from a Hebrew word meaning Adversary. To the ancient Hebrew mindset, Satan was not an enemy of God, but a messenger. He did God’s dirty work so to speak. He was God’s hitman. He was the Angel of Death sent forth from the presence of God. He was the tempter and the antagonist.

The mindset of the ancient Hebrews did not see God as a lovey dovey friend in the sky who wants to just coddle you like a baby. He was a dictator who laid down the Law. You obeyed it, or you died. Simple. As long as they obeyed, they enjoyed life. If they disobeyed, He kicked their asses.

It is the element of conflict that creates interest. Every drama or story has a protagonist and an antagonist. Without conflict there is stagnation and boredom. It is the villain that defines the hero, and the hero the villain. A plot is created with these two principles. Yin and Yang oppose each other, yet harmonize.

In life there is no growth without adversity. Matter of fact, it is in those very times of adversity that we grow the most. It is in times of peace that we spoil and become lazy. A good commanding officer knows to keep the troops playing war games during times of peace, lest they become out of shape, and slow with the sword reflex.

Thus we are given something to strive against. A force of nature that is against us, that tries and tests us, much like a blacksmith does a sword. The sword is repeatedly put into the fire and beaten, until the sword becomes sharp and hardened. Only then is the sword ready for some whoop ass action.

A bodybuilder strives against weights. The weights are his adversity. He pushes against this weight. As he pushes more, he tears his muscles. He shocks his body. His muscles begin to match the force of the weight as he becomes stronger. Once he has reached his goal, he begins to add more adversity to his work out.

It is not the peace loving hippie bullshit that advances us as a species, it is adversity, and the reward that comes from striving against it.

We evolve and develop, as we mutate and produce stronger offspring that withstands the adversity of nature. This is a key element in our very circle of being that is not to be shunned or ran from, but to be embraced.

The Adversary must be welcomed as a respectful opponent. The Adversary is the trainer, the sparring partner, and the real life enemy wrapped into one.

Now do I believe the devil is an anthropomorphic being? Of course not; nor do I believe God to be so. I stopped believing in fairy tales a long time ago. But with every fairy tale, there is an element of truth. The truth is embodied by mythos, those ancient tales that are created by our psyches to help us understand the world around us. They are created to help us cope with life and each other.

The Tao gives birth to both creation and destruction. It is a continuous cycle that brings advancement. It is the dualistic mindset that causes most people to embrace one side or the other. Black Zen is about embracing both.The knowledge of good and evil must be purged from our systems that we may develop balance in our lives. I believe it was Job who said “shall we accept goodness from the Lord and not evil?”.

Sometimes violence is necessary to overcome adversity. Sometimes love is necessary. Even those who are trained in Aikido understand this and base their fighting style on this principle. The Aikido student many times pushes when pulled, and pulls when pushed, using his enemy’s own force against him. There is a time when non-violence is used as a powerful tactic, as in the cases of Martin Luther King Jr. and Ghandi. Sometimes people need to be loved, and sometimes they just need to be slaughtered. Wisdom, embodied by the Kabbalistic goddess Sophia, teaches the difference.

The world is drama. The world is conflict. Those who run and hide die, those who embrace life as it is and work accordingly, move toward advancement and a better world. We are presented with challenges, and we work to overcome those challenges. Without the adversarial force of nature, we would never enjoy modern luxuries such as cars, boats, airplanes, flat screen TVs, DVDs, computers, cell phones, antibiotics, and overall health and happiness.

The problem with most religions is that there is a dualistic mindset that flat out denies the fact that the environment that we live in is downright hostile to our survival. Most religions would have you stand along the Amazon River and behold the beauty of the foliage and the glistening water, and deny the piranha that swim beneath the surface, the anaconda that slithers up from the darkness. Our environment provides both comedy and tragedy.

These two currents of life and death circle about in a cosmic dance, opposing one another, yet working together to perfect that which is manifested by this intercourse. And as our old friend the devil challenges us, the strength of billions of evolutionary ancestral victories stream through our veins and see us through, if we are willing to apply our own adversarial will and choose to stand strong and not accept defeat. It was Nietzsche that coined the phrase “That which does not kill us, makes us stronger”. Freedom is the reward for the strong.

In the shadows,

~TM